I miss you so much. You can't imagine just how much. I want to tell you so many things ....but now I'm sitting here, staring into the Darkness, and don’t know where to begin. I hear you saying: "Just say whatever comes to your mind" .... but I have the feeling as if I am terribly far away from you. I don't know why it is like that, and I don't know if you will ever have the opportunity to read what I have written here. I don't want my words to get lost.
You know how hard it is for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts. All I know is, at this moment, I feel as if I am only half of a human being. Do you feel the same, or is it just me? It is as if a part of me got lost. I feel kind of disjoined. I would love to know what you're feeling for me, deep inside, without any logical explanation. I would like to know so many things....
I want to know what, and why, you're feeling for me like that. I want to know why it hurts me so much that you aren't here now. I want to know why my mind is so occupied by you. I want to know why I'm feeling closer to you than to anybody else. I want to know where these feelings I've never known before come from. I want to know why I still want to share these feelings only with you. I want to know why I'm so open with you, although it is very much against my nature. I want to know why there is this fear, all of a sudden, of losing you. I want to know why my heart starts hammering when I think of you. I want to know why it goes deeply under my skin when I think of you in my dreams. I want to know why I see you in the faces of strangers. I want to know why I wish for you to touch me where nobody else is supposed to touch me. I want to know why I'm longing for this so much, but more than everything else, I want to know why I'm having these dreams, and they're frightening me.... frightening me that you might get me wrong.
These feelings are so deeply buried in me that it starts to hurt. Why? I want to know why I wake up sweating all over after you've been with me in my dreams. Why it was so good, but why is it always myself who is in my way? I want to know why I just can't let go. Why am I feeling for you like this? I want it .... and I don't want it. I'm afraid to hurt myself. I can't jump over the fence, this damned fence. I would like so much to jump, but what's waiting for me on the other side? I want it. Yes, I want it ....but something stops me from doing it. I don't want to leave my protective Darkness. Not yet. It's all I have. But my dreams become so overwhelming, and they start to tear me apart. Am I allowed to surrender to my feelings? Tell me. You know so much more than I know. I want to know it. Yes, I want to know it all. I would like so much to say some of those words to you, but I can't. I just can't. They are sitting in me, very deep within me and they are cutting me, from the inside out like small knives. Am I allowed to allow that? Tell me... please. Why am I feeling so helpless? They are just words, and I can't say them.
I can't.... not yet. I need time. Do I still have time? Why do I watch myself living? Why do I live so fast? Why do I see other people living in slow motion? Not every pain can be healed. Some are crawling very deeply into ones soul and finally turn to stone. You say that even for me spring will come again and heal everything, but in my soul is a spot which will never ever heal again. I want to carve your name in me... very deep... to never lose it again... carve it in... in me... in me. You said I shall not fight... but I know it's a forbidden love, such as between Sun and Moon, Brother and Sister, Lucifer and Lilith, Isis and Osiris... Love and Hate... Attraction and Repulsion... Darkness and Light... damn... we search for oneself but never find oneself?! When the Moon is hugging the Sun, and the Sun is stabbing the Moon... will it end like this... is it this what humans call faith? You... High Priest of Light, and I... Goddess of Darkness... our love is surrounded by forbidden, what I want is impossible... what I want to do to you is a sin... what I want to tell you is not allowed... so many ways, and I don't know which one I have to go. Once I felt your mighty Wings... so huge and strong... they touched me, and they protected me... I still can hear the murmur of your Wings... feel how they touched me softly... but... it hurts... the Light... is to bright for my eyes, to bright for my Dark Soul. But this Light is attracting me.
I wish I could open the door and reach out for your hands... help me... help me ....to come to the Light… take me home on your mighty Wings... because.... I can't remember the way. But what comes next? Will you leave me... will you let go of my hand, and I'm all alone then? The Shadows on the wall are so dark and deep... Demons are calling me... they misused my Soul... I submerged to deeply into the sea of Sins... I'm stumbling through life... my damn life... where are you? Can you feel my pain? I want you to forgive me... I want you to destroy my deepest fears... and I know, only you can do it. But... can Sun and Moon ever be one? Can Light and Darkness ever be one? Where is the way? Where is the goal? ..... Where?
March 2003 by